Giving Good Face

I can’t make a sexy face.

“Leandra,” you may be saying, “why on Earth are you telling us this?” Because, you see, this is somewhat of a liability when you’re a burlesque dancer. I mean, I’m not going to get fired or anything because I can’t make a sexy face because my dance organization is strictly voluntary. I mean, I pay them to let me dance. They did ask bunch of us newbies to work on our stage faces (aka sexy faces) in the mirror before shows, but that shit is hard. I felt ridiculous.

This is on my mind because this weekend we have an opportunity to do a photoshoot with two different photographers in our show clothes and I’m already overthinking what my face is going to look like. Which is frustrating because burlesque is usually where I go to feel better about myself. If I’m having a bad body image feelings on a dance class day, inevitably I will feel better about myself after class. It’s probably a combination of endorphins and the fun I have with my friends at dance, but though I’m not perfect, I think part of it is that I like the way I feel about how I look when I’m moving. I can’t do upper body isolations to save my life, but I can shake my hips and I’ve got a bit of a booty, which is half the battle.

Anyway, there’s something about being in front a camera, particularly one with a flash, even on a regular day that makes me freeze up. I’m a notorious blinker and I know this and I start overthinking it, anticipating the flash, and I’m pretty sure I’m a photographer’s worst nightmare.

I also have a bit of experience with photographing the “sexy face” thing. Back in 2019, I got a wild hair to do a boudoir photoshoot. I don’t know why I did it. I wasn’t particularly happy with my body at that moment and I was in the process of growing out a pixie so my hair was neither short nor long. In hindsight, I wish I had waited a few years, after I’d grown my hair out and when I had lost thirty pounds, but I didn’t and boudoir photography is hella expensive — a lot more expensive than I’d anticipated — and so I’m afraid it was a one and done kind of situation.

Anyway, when I got the pictures back, I didn’t love them, but it wasn’t really about my hair or my body, though I didn’t like my makeup (way too heavy, even for a photoshoot) or my hair (it was too done) it was my face, which just looked . . . sad. And I don’t mean sad like “wow, she’s really bad at this,” I mean sad, like, “she looks like she’s about to cry.”¹ The photographer had me smile in some of the photos and I much prefer those.

This is one of the ones I like and it’s not showing too much for Al Gore’s internet. (See what I mean about the hair, though? I wish we’d gone for a wilder, messier vibe. This looks like PTA Stepford Mom.)

I’ve seen the work of both of the photographers who will be there this weekend. Both do interesting, fun work, but one of them does more what I would term non-traditional sexy, but I can’t decide if I want to even go or not. This weekend is meant to be fun and empowering but I don’t want to do it if it’s going make me actively feel bad about myself. Also, the thought of having everyone standing around watching me not be able to make a sexy face is horrifying, even though my dance friends are amazing hype people and are among my biggest cheerleaders. But I don’t want to not go. This feels like an opportunity to get past this feeling that I have. To conquer a fear, to banish an insecurity. Like, maybe I just tell them up front that I can’t make a sexy face, that I’d rather smile in my photos?

What would you do if you were me?

1. I also didn’t really like the lingerie I wore. I way overthought that at the time and I didn’t have a good feel for what looked good on my body or what made me feel good in my body. Also, I didn’t want to buy a whole lot of stuff for just one photoshoot, you know? Now that I’ve been doing burlesque for a while, I have lots more lingerie pieces and a sense of how to highlight my “assets” as it were.